Chelsea Loretta...

Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future…

well….I suppose that would be…

my fiance…..duh.

Or Brendon Urie. Either or.

I’m fine with either one =)

I just feel so…lost. There is absolutely no reason for me to be feeling like I do right now. That’s probably the worst part of everything. I just feel like…everything is getting to me today. Even music isn’t quite helping.

It’s doing enough to the point that I’m typing and thinking in beat with what I’m listening to, but usually….it makes me feel like I’m not so alone. I just wish there were someone else here that I could talk to. Someone that would understand that all I need is to be held onto. I want someone to hold onto me like I’ll float away if they let go.

I think this is all coming from the fact that my fiance tells me all the time that he could just leave. No warning, no feelings, nothing. He could just leave and not once look back. He doesn’t need me the way I need him. No, that makes me sound just pathetic. I don’t need him, but I do. I’m not making any sense, but what do I care? I’m really just rambling anyway, right?

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I didn’t always feel like I need to prove that I’m worth his time. I shouldn’t have to feel like I still need to convince him to stay.

Honestly…I think he’s lying a little bit. I mean, he has kids, so I could understand him being able to just leave for his kids, but I think he needs me more than he lets on. I think he’s just scared that he’s going to put all he has into this relationship and then I’m going to just leave. What he doesn’t seem to understand though is that I could never do that to him. He worries that he’s going to make me more confident in myself, which he has done, and I’m going to take that and shove right back in his face.

He thinks I’m going to become so confident in myself that I’m going to tell him that I can do better. Even if it were possible for me to “do better” I wouldn’t want to. Why can’t he understand that? To me, that shows more love than anything else ever could.

To be able to look at someone and honestly say, “Even if I could do better than you, I don’t want to because to me you’re the best there is.” I don’t want anyone else. You know what, this is getting too depressing for me. This was supposed to help me clear my thoughts but it’s not helping.

It’s just making me more depressed.

I remember when I was younger, not much younger than I am now, but still younger…I always used to wish I was skinnier, or taller, or prettier. I wanted to be part of the in-crowd. I guess you could say I was like most girls are at that age. All I wanted was for people to like me. Instead, I was the weird, freaky, emo kid that sat by herself all the time. Back then, I went through a lot of boyfriends and I went through a bit of a whore-phase. I just wanted someone to want me, so I settled for sex. I thought it was the same thing. 

But now….I realized, I don’t need to be skinnier or taller and I’m not just pretty, I am beautiful. Nothing about me needs to change just to please some other people that don’t give a fuck about me anyway. Now my only problem is that since I have a new confidence about myself, I keep making stupid choices that most people make in high school. I guess there’s still that part of me that just wants to be accepted and treated like a normal human being, not like a plague that must be avoided.

Although, I suppose there wouldn’t be a problem with my stupid choices if I wasn’t currently engaged to the man I believe whole-heartedly is my soulmate. My stupid mistakes are doing nothing but pushing him away. I’m scared that I’m going to lose him over something stupid like getting high with my friends or something. I used to wish that I could change the physical imperfections I though I saw in myself. Now, the only thing I want to change is my vulnerability to peer pressure. I shouldn’t worry about having any approval from anyone but him.

picklejars:

He was number 1…